Contrary to what many of us have been led to believe, there are actually four topics that should never be discussed. We all know the first three: sex, religion and politics.

Here’s the fourth: a list of songs that, well, really stink. As in awful. As in terrible. As in, I never want to hear them again. So, with little else to do, and with the laziness of summer setting in, I set out to construct, with a little help from my friends, a list of the Ten Worst Songs Ever.

Now, before you go getting all riled up about this, I will guarantee that each person who reads this will agree with at least half of the songs on the list. The rest, of course, will inundate this poor magazine with e-mails, faxes, bomb threats and the like, given that I have torpedoed their favorites.

Well, it is a free country, and I am entitled to my opinion. And, if memory serves, I just might be right.

There are several ways that a song can make a list like this. One is that the performance, the first time you hear it, is so bad that it makes you reach for the nearest air sickness bag. A second possibility is that the subject matter is so despicable that it drives you to fury (or fits of laughter, if that be the case). A third, and this can ruin even the best of songs, is mindless repetition via commercials or videos has taken away any interest we had in hearing the song again (I mean, haven’t we heard enough of "Like a Rock" and "Everyday People?" Two wonderful songs in their own regard, but now, every time I hear them, I think of cars and trucks, which, I guess, is the point). A fourth, and this is a bit amorphous, is that it’s a song that reminds us of a private personal experience from our past, be it our significant other breaking up with us, or our best friend moved away or some such life experience that happened so long ago, but was so important at the time, that the song we heard at the time has stuck with us-even though we’d do anything to get rid of its memory.

In putting this together, I actually created some ground rules for myself that cut down the sheer number of songs that might be considered for inclusion on this list. First, I didn’t want to include specific genres of music, so I could not say, for example, all disco songs (that would be too easy) or all rap songs belong on the list. Second, I decided not to consider some songs by what I consider to be generically boring groups, like the Grateful Dead, Pink Floyd, and Emerson, Lake & Palmer ( I can feel the knives sharpening already, and we aren’t even to the list). Third, and you can thank my lovely wife for this, I decided not to include any of what she calls "romantic songs," because she says "it’ll make you sound like a chauvinist and you’re not."

Thanks, honey. I think.

The one major fact that I recalled about bad songs while I compiled this list was how we can remember every stupid word, every inane chorus and every ridiculous melody change in them, but, at the same time, we can’t remember our anniversaries, spouses’ birthdays, bank account access codes, or social security numbers. We can hum the chorus from virtually every ditty we’ve heard in the past 20 years, no matter how hideous it was, but we can’t remember to pick up the laundry. Weird, huh? Quick test: hum the chorus to "Winchester Cathedral." See? Well, like the song says, that’s life.

Okay, in reverse order, here are, in my mind, the Ten Worst Songs Ever (one rule: read the whole list before you start bitching and whining):

Well, first, how about some that almost made the cut, but not quite (meaning they were bad, but not that bad).

And the number one, worst song ever is:

Any questions?