Today, I’m finally going to figure out an easy way to unwrap a new compact disc.

I’ll tell you, I’ve been in some very hairy situations in my almost 44 years but, as far as hobbies go, what the record companies put me through-even after they have my 15 or so dollars-would test even the most calm and pacific of men.

So, what I have decided to do, as a public service of Sound Waves, is to start with a new, still wrapped disc, and walk through it very slowly. Now, you gotta pay attention, because, believe me, I am only going to be able to do it once.

Maybe.

Okay, the first thing I do is make a visual inspection of the shrink wrap, since some discs have that little piece of tape around the right side, which supposedly allows for an easy way to break open the wrap. The key word here is "sometimes." There isn’t one on the disc package that I’m trying to open.

So, I move to step two: I look for those little, overlapping pieces of shrink wrap, where I can try to dig in my less than lengthy nails, get a grip on it and rip it, as John Daly might say.

Naturally, there is little in the way of loose shrink-wrap on this particular disc. Now, I can feel my blood pressure starting to go up. I want to listen to this new disc, I’m pumped up, but I can’t get to it.

Sort of like dating, as I recall.

Maybe I’ve found some help, though. Since this is a new disc, from a major recording company, they’ve got that annoying little piece of white paper glued down at the top of the jewel box, with the name of the disc plastered on it. Underneath, on the back of the top of the disc, it reads "pull."

So, I do. Nothing happens, or course, since the taped area that says "pull," is, naturally, underneath the shrink-wrap.

I think they call that a paradox. Or, where I come from, a royal pain in the ass.

Now, I am getting really annoyed. Dropping it two stories out of my den window is a real possibility, but even that probably wouldn’t break the seal. So, I take a deep breath, remember that I am a semi-intelligent, partially erect Homo sapiens who should be able to open a compact disc. Then, I remember that I am also very, very mechanically challenged, and I get depressed all over again.

Digging and scratching is all that remains for me to do. Like a dog searching for a buried bone, I burrow back and forth, back and forth, with my aforementioned less than lengthy digit tip, alternating along both the top and bottom of the disc, in the fervent hope that I can break seal somehow. Dig, scratch and flip. Dig, scratch and flip. I’ve been at it for about five minutes now, and I am not even close to loosening anything yet.

Eureka! I finally found a slip in the plastic! I peel it apart and, of course, it now comes off in a thousand little pieces. That is, what comes off, since most of it stays attached to the jewel case. Dig and scratch. Dig and scratch. . And more dig. And more scratch.

Okay, now I’m down to the infamous "pull" tab. which, of course, doesn’t. So, I dig again with my fingernail. Dig. Dig. Freaking Dig. It starts to come off, also in little pieces, of course.

Now, I’ve been at this for about 20 minutes, or about a third the time of the disc that I want to hear. At this point, though, I’ve actually forgotten what music is on this God forsaken disc. This has become an obsession: get the plastic off.

Finally, all the little pieces of white come off, most of it sticking to various parts of me, but it does finally allow me access to the inside of the jewel box. I push open the disc and…….the spindle flies off in little pieces, and the disc goes crashing to the floor.